Shadow Bea's Blog

2008-02-20T06:20:00.000-08:00

Feb 20th 2008.
I am starting this blog to preserve (sort of) :) Past and present writings that I want to keep because when I read them, I realize It's still how I feel. It is a tenuous thread of control over my life.. I feel I have so little control any more..I have three kinds of Cancer.. Cancer dictates a lot.. It doesn't dictate my faith in God and it doesn't dictate my attitude but it does dictate much of my activity and it does steal from me things that have always been a sustenance and comfort for me, like drawing, painting, sculpting.. (my hands were too shaky due to the Chemo.. now they are very weak) some days I can still draw but other days I have to much weakness in my hands to even write with a pen..Not complaining :).. because I am vary blessed in the people who have been and are my support system for the past two years or so that I have been fighting this disease.. The cards letters and daily prayers by so many people all over the world.. sustain me more than I can adequately say.. really I can't begin to describe the warmth and love I feel coming at me from My cyber buddies and my hard copy friends :D I feel that we might put it into remission this time :D with all of the weakness I feel so many things improving .. I am blessed in that I don't really Look sick.. I am loosing a lot of hair lately (thought I got away without loosing my hair LOL.but lately its been falling out fast).. I still may not loose it all I'm told..

I don't do comb overs though :D so if I loose to much I'm shaving it!! So anyway.. here it is ...Past and presents and a hopeful future :)

Reflecting on the past year... that would be 2007
As the new year approaches I reflect sometimes on the past.. The year of 2007 has been filled with much sadness and loss.. for me personally with the loss of my mother.. and for many of us here.. with the loss of our dear friend Marlene.. My personal battle with cancer has sometimes seemed a loosing one.. not often but sometimes.. I think often about faith, hope, charity.. the blessings I have and the attitudes that gives me strength.. Because I believe that often attitude is a choice.. I think about about how precious life is and about how I don't want to waste any of it.. Negativity is a waste unless you use it to create something positive .. Something I wrote a while ago and still believe is that you can find things to fill the giant hole left in your life when someone you love dies or leaves.. You can find things to keep you on track, you can use the negative energy created by that loss to create positive things in your life.. And all of that is preferable to allowing onesself to sink into the abyss of depression and allowing onesself to go to a place where things are not seen except through that distortion. If you look for your value in the eyes of others .. It will generally fall short. It is something I believe must be built with Gods help from the inside out..Life is a precious gift! I keep saying that don't I :D We don't usually understand just how precious it is until someone leaves us. or there is a possibility that we may have to leave..When we loose someone.. The things that make life rich seem far away for a time but slowly we heal.. Maybe never completely and we never stop missing and loving that person but we start to see the colors again, find the value again, help others again, and help ourselves again! These are my own beliefs and reflections for the new year..

Feb 2008

I have to remind myself sometimes about the stances I have chosen to take in my life..

It isn't always easy.

For example I determined many years ago to never run after love, affection, or friendship.. those that are meant for you.. come of their own accord.. Those that don't like you.. are not going to like you regardless of how much friendship you show them..In fact if you are bending over backwards they will find a way to knock you down :D and (probably) yet another thing to dislike.. It really has nothing to do with you.. its about what ever their reasons are .. and could have to do with their own insecurities or whatever.. God knows where you coming from.. And I know where I am coming from. If someone chooses to think its from another place.. I'm not going to knock myself out trying to prove them wrong.. The second thing is that I am the caretaker of my own peace of mind.. no one else is responsible for that.. I like most people Some more than others. I'm a bit of a Pollyanna and I suppose that annoys the heck out of some people :D but it is my nature to look for the best and in no way decreases my intelligence or commonsense.. I'm also pretty intuitive and know when I'm being hoodwinked.. Kind of a a dichotomy.. but not really.. :D as you can probably tell I'm a little chemically imbalanced right now and feel vary vulnerable and weepy.. The chemical imbalance I'm sure is due to the Chemotherapy..any way It helps to talk it out.. For me it does.. Today!! :) I feel better already :D

some from a couple of years ago

This new world we live in.
A world where it is politically incorrect to take a stance on morality issues,
or decide as a parent what kind of example or role model you want for your children. A world where the pendulum has swung so far in the opposite direction there is no longer any balance. A world where parents are afraid to exercise their parenthood and do what parents are supposed to do, which is to train and raise children to be strong, healthy and balanced. To have a conscience, self discipline and self respect._ To be ethically, morally, socially and individually responsible people. To see that their children develop the kind of fortitude that will take them through everything that life throws at them and more.
Instead. we have a brave new world where everything is upside down.
Bad manners, bad behavior cheating, lying, swearing and sexual misconduct, is lauded and applauded and treated as entertainment (e.g., reality shows, talk shows). Provided it's entertaining enough we will forgive the behavior.. e.g.: (presidential scandals) We are blitzed with all of this on a daily basis via the media, television etc. and it is eating at the moral fabric of our society, not just at our children although God knows they are confused enough as well with all of the mixed messages they receive but at us as the lines slowly become more and more blurred and our thresholds and tolerance for all kinds of things becomes higher, we become more and more jaded. We take less and less responsibility (as a society) for our own choices or actions. "I took a drug and was under the influence therefore I am not responsible "or "I had PMS or postpartum depression" that I can understand a little better (at least those are not By choice altered states,) a lot of it IMO is stuff they come up with to negate responsibility..this syndrome or that.... so go easy on me please. Phffft! Justus is no longer blind.. she is just stupid and not resposible for it :D
There was a story in the news recently about_ the conviction of three people
a man his wife and his brother, who were convicted for having threesome sex one night on the way home from the city on the Long Island railway.. when the conductor asked them to stop it they refused! Their lawyer claimed they were really upstanding citizens who were high on some drug and not really responsible for their actions! The threesome said they were being shunned in the community because of this and felt it wasn't fair ... Phfffft! Give me a break..

regarding doing stuff :D

I completely understand the (spaced out and living in your own head syndrome) dilemma's that face the genius's of the world every day :D :D
Not being a genius I have to imagine that it is somewhat like the [b]Zone[/b] that artistes go into while working! The compulsion to work takes over and everything else fades into insignificance :D The thing is that unless one is forced early in life to use both sides of their brain( as in businesswoman/ artist) the compulsion to work takes over. I know several Artists who live in this zone to the degree that they don’t think about rent till they get an eviction notice … now this is a very pleasant place to be until reality comes knocking at ones door. J
The other thing is , that many people limit themselves .. by thinking they can’t do this, that, or the other thing because.. as in” I can’t do math”. Well, one of the things I have discovered is, J it is really a question of finding ones personal learning key!
Mine is visual. I found myself in the position of having to do Shop drawings for the furniture I design.. Now , never having gone to school for this and always having considered myself terrible at math. I didn’t think in a million years and I would be able to do it ! Shop drawings are very complex, they are in effect architectural renderings of the furniture. Everything is done to scale, and all the measurements must be precise.
I am dyslexic to degree, so you can imagine that I felt pretty intimidated… plus I did not have time for classes.. I kinda taught myself from the old examples of shop drawings … I was very careful not to make a mistake with the math.. as if no one caught it .. it could be very costly.. the point is now it is second nature to do the shop drawings comes as easily to me now as conceptualizing and drawing it always did. My employer says he can’t understand why I thought I was terrible at math as he seldom finds mistakes! But it really had to do with finding the learning key which for me was changing my own concept of what math was and being able to make sense of it in my brain and relating it to what already was easy for me, the visualization. This is a personal experience .. but I believe it is relevant to what happens with many people, in that they focus so exclusively at what they are good at, that they never attempt to excel at other things. I remember thinking as a child that from the beginning of time everything had to begin somewhere and most things could be learned if one had to do it. Einstein couldn’t dress himself because he didn’t consider it important enough to focus on.. LOL. The book [b]Drawing is on the right side of the brain[/b] talks about how most people stop their own progress as artists at about the age of six.. It is truly amazing what one is able to do by changing ones perspective and trying! This book shows many examples of drawings done by people after changing their Idea’s of what they were capable of doing. :D very interesting and indicative of a lot of area’s in life, in my opinion. :D

This and That (mostly That) :)

Shadow Bea's Blog